Choose You

I was once asked to write a letter to myself when I attended a class 'Dear Hopeful Singleton' conducted by Aida and Ustazah Liyana. They will then post out the letter to me in a month’s time. I sat there and thought for a while of what I would write to myself. What do I want to tell myself in a month’s time when I receive it? My mind drew a blank. Alhamdulilah, things have been going great so far and I really could not think of anything I want to say to my future self. Instead, I wrote a thank you note to the both of them for that priceless workshop they both conducted. 

Tonight, after a while, I thought of this post that I would have wanted to read to myself once upon a time when I needed my own strength to lift me up when I was down and forcefully nailed to the ground. I wish I had this letter then to knock senses back into me and be merry again. 

So after I wrote the letter to my dear past previously, I decided to write this letter as a reminder to myself and to all those out there who are mending your broken hearts. I know it takes a lot of strength to get back up again. It is hard. But let me share something here which I hope may ease you all a little. Don’t take my word for it, but give yourself the chance to choose you. Yes you, beautiful.

Dear Beautiful, 

Don't we all remember break-ups all too well?

The many endless nights you cried yourself to sleep. 

The weakness you felt thinking how your world has crumbled right before you and there was absolutely no way you thought you could get back up again. 

How about the days after where you kept wishing that the one you emotionally depended on would come back, telling you he/she made a huge mistake and you two will continue from where you two left off, erase that episode, as if nothing happened between you both. 

What about the shoulders you relied on when you were down and weak. The strong shoulders of your dear family and friends or any loved ones who cushioned your fall, comforting you when you could not. 

Maybe some of you out there are still going through this moment of weakness. Some of you out there are perhaps still managing that quietly on your own, wishing you can turn back time and correct the mistake you made, which caused the one you loved to walk away from you. As much you do not want to think so, perhaps to some, you might already felt and know that he/she will not come back to you. At the very same time, you hope that your gut feeling is wrong this time round. 

No matter how many times that one has to go through it, no break-up is ever an easy to deal with task. It is tiring. It is messy. It is emotionally draining and mentally exhausting. It leaves an unseen scar unknown to the world and it causes you to be extra careful for future references. It can be unexpectedly taxing without you realising.

As ironic as it may seem now, you will, in the future be thankful for those heartbreaking moments that you had to go through. You will realise in the future that the painful moments that you are experiencing now that will mould you to be a much better and happier you later in life. 

You will also learn to appreciate and live in the moment. You will learn to to be more forgiving. You may learn to be more tolerant towards yourself and towards others. You will realised that there will be many things you actually can achieve after the break-up happened, which you never thought possible before. You will set new goals. You will possibly break your own personal record. You may start something new and even be the next big thing. And that my dear, is the polished side to the break-up coin. 

You may probably be a different you now or in the future as compared to when you were attached. 

You might even get back to be the REAL you before you got hitched to that what's-his-name, the you everyone knew and once love. Some people are not necessarily their real self when they were attached. 

The new and improved you could now be better than you ever were before.

You will glow again. The tears will stop. The sparkle in your eyes that has dimmed, will shine again. You will smile and laugh again, even if it means you are occupying yourself with comedy marathon. But the fact that you are making that effort to not be stuck in that sad cage you are in, is already a huge achievement. 

Tell yourself, ‘If can handle a break-up, I sure can conquer the world.’

You owe that to your broken heart. You owe that to yourself, beautiful. 

Smile.

Shine.

Sparkle.

You now have that opportunity to be what you would like to be, do what you would like to do, do not let that slip you by. 

Moving on may not be an option you have now, because you still hope for that one who broke your heart to return. Moving on many not even be what you want, or a place you would like to be in, but there is no harm giving it a shot. What is the worse that can happen? Your heart has already been broken into a million pieces, yet, it is still beating strongly. Even that strong heart of yours believes you can get through this. 

Choose you my dear. Invest in yourself for a change instead of in others. Promise yourself you will be worth the investment and work on giving yourself great returns.

Hop on that ride of life to discover the wonders you are capable of achieving. Be Amazing. You have the power to define how amazing you can be. 

One of the things that you will never have regret is, to choose you. 

Love,

You

'No Plans' Saturday

Saturdays used to be my favourite day of the week. It was THE day I look forward to after a week of being productive. It is the very day I get to sleep in a little longer, wake up a little later. I did not need to worry about looking at my watch and that I should be out of the door by a certain time and a whole bunch of other things. It has always been that one day of the week that I get to free my mind and give myself permission to do absolutely nothing. 

I normally try to sign up for classes on weekday nights as much as possible. That way, my weekends will be free and plan-less, just the way I like it. Sometimes I have to get up and not be able to do what I have been looking forward to do the whole week. This means, I can’t continue my sleep after fair prayers and that I am needed to get a bunch of things done unexpectedly. When this happens, I am probably worse than Grumpy the dwarf. UUrrgghhhh.

However, once I am over the grumpiness, I am back to normal. When whatever that is needed to be done is settled, I realised I am overwhelmed with energy and nothing to do. Then I got frustrated that I have no plans, nothing, nil. Another uuurrrggghhhh moment. Suddenly I need to plan something, or rather anything so as not to waste this wave of energy that has unexpectedly engulfed me. 

This is where I start to create some plans and go with the flow. for the rest of the day. These days, I realised I am spending a bit more time than the past to jot down pieces of my life in Naimefied. I note down pieces of happiness to remind myself how blessed I really am and I should be thankful for what I am presented with. 

Saturday is still my favourite day of the week. Somehow, it has moved to become productive weekend as well. Now, my Saturday mornings are (still) spent without plans, but I am being open to slot some last minute plans in when I least expect it and not be annoyed by the hiccup in my ‘no-plans’ Saturday plan. I welcome this and try to be positive with whatever comes my way. I now constantly have my laptop, my notepad or a good book within reach to keep myself occupied with ideas and inspirations to amuse myself. I found myself to be more productive this way even during the weekends. A positive change for myself indeed. 

And now, back to my ‘No Plans’ Saturday. 

Season Of Sale

This year was a year I challenged myself to another level. While I was working on my Dear 2017 project of being awesome, creating memories for future me and many more, I was also working on saving up to renew Caliph's life. Caliph has been a great companion to me, sheltered me through rain and shine in every situation and giving him up to the scrapyard did not seem like the ideal situation. I had to save more and train myself to mainly recondition my mind. This was an absolutely huge challenge for me.

In doing that, I worked on what I could give up and what I knew is a huge MUST. Kindly note, my definition of MUST here is not necessarily a need and it differs from other people's definition of MUST. 

First and foremost, in dealing with this, I knew I was going to have a hard time not getting any dUCk scarves entirely, therefore, I rationalised the situation. I do not need any new colours from any of the basic range. What I knew was a must-have were the limited editions. Instead of getting all the colours, I convinced myself that I only needed 1 or 2 of the colours for the limited edition print designs. This rationalisation certainly helped a lot. 

I stopped getting myself new clothes altogether. By clothes here, I am referring to tops, bottoms, dresses and even shoes. This was exceptionally hard for me. With the rise of the online shopping and the convenience of making mobile payment, using various types of payment gateway, I loathe being on cold turkey. Some of my friends were tremendously nice, they knew my 'need to save' mission and presented me with some stuff to make the mission bearable. This happened only during my birthday month. I did not accept it initially, but the next thing I knew, the postman was at my doorstep. I felt too blessed every single day and they just made my birthday month even more beautiful.  

After a while, it got easier to refrain myself from committing any online shopping. It gave me a different as well as fresh perspectives on the various fashion scenes in the Muslimah and non-Muslimah committee within the region. What looks good on people, what works, what can work, how can one make a piece of clothing work regardless of the label. I started looking at my own wardrobe and thought to myself, how many times do I regularly wear all my clothes? I do have clothes which barely see the sun, some of which do not even step out of the house and still had their price tag on before they go off season, or be given away to others. Yeah, I am that brat you love to hate. 

In saving up for Caliph, I started learning to utilise more of my ready-to-wear (RTW) clothes (which are readily available in my wardrobe) more often, mixing and matching them up here and there. Unfortunately, I did not do this as often as I would like to until I had to renew Caliph. This was another blessing which I supposed I have constantly overlooked, maximising the potential of what I already have.

After Caliph was renewed, I got used to not giving in to my desire for online shopping. Who would have thought, the cold turkey did work! What is even better, I was styling myself up, looking good, feeling good and saving at the same time. 

What rubbed off on me after that was that not only was I refraining myself from buying impulsively, I started looking out for what I deem as season of sale clothes. Clothes which were off season but still ever green to the vast number of ladies out there. What kind of clothes could work well regardless if one wears the hijab or not. I experimented and put aside a budget and tried to maximise that amount, which is best spent during the season of sale, the best to its possibility. There are some group of ladies out there who do not really care about labels. The clothes look good, it's on sale, they are sold and the next thing you know, they have already hit the checkout button on their smart devices. 

I constantly revisited that certain pieces of clothing which I cannot let go since I first got them. They just fits me so well and on days when all else do not look good on me, I just run to it, have it on me and out the door I go to seize the world. Do we all not relate to these moments in life?

Now, there are a whole bunch of other things needed to be saved for; a potential home, renovation works, future family projects and way too many more to be listed. I decided that the season of sale will be my best friend for the rest of the remaining year. I also wanted to revisit the love for so many styles which looks great average ladies such as myself. I might extend this till next year but let me not get ahead of myself.

naimefied look

hijab: The Yummy dUCk in Kuih Koci

top: MimpiKita

pants: Mango

Oh Work

Before I headed to work today, I already felt my stress level spiking. I just had way too many things needed to be done and I knew I had to push myself and my will power to get me through the day. The next part will be at the end of the day, I will need to look back and reflect how much did I manage to accomplish?

As I was done with fajr prayers, I recalled the advice by one of my ustaz; to get back down at my lowest after the final salam and talk to Him. I knew it was going to be a tough day, I needed Him to ease things for me even before I started on them. 

Upon reaching work, I remembered something my ustaz taught me to try out which I have applied before. I thought of applying it again today. It is a little conversation that I would have with myself and my work. 

'Oh work, I am doing my best in the name of Allah. It is going to be a long and challenging day, but let it also be a productive one. I am doing this for His sake and I am sure, it will be eased with His help. So work, let's do this!'

Little did I expect that today, I was superwoman. At least that was what I viewed myself to be, it does not matter what my friend sitting next to me thinks. I managed to complete and strike off so many on my to-do list today. I left work minutes before they locked the gate, but I felt super accomplished as I walked home. 

Maybe I should try this kind of conversations with myself and apply it in other areas which may be useful in the future, make me overly efficient like my off Ayu and be the queen of decluttering like my other off, Ratna. 

And now, it time to relax in bed and get that much needed good rest.

'Oh sleep, I really need you now. Let's head to dreamland together.' 

Create Something

Lately, I have been feeling a little more happy and positive. Somehow, I am able to make time and have the space to spend a bit more time drafting my posts. I am able to reply to emails sent by my friends from far away and exchange thoughts. I realised that this space in Naimefied is indeed very special to me as days go by. I remember when I told my friend, Boris, about my worries, he was one of the people who encouraged me to use this blog platform to good use. His words of encouragement always accompanied me whenever I am in doubt.

To be honest, I only wanted this space to be special in a way that when time pass, I can look back here in this space of mine and be able to record the wonders of my life. I wanted nothing more than having it filled with great and wonderful memories I had been blessed with. I would be able to share these memories with the future older me, my parents, my extended family, my future husband, my future unborn kids and my many other future unknown out there. I would want anyone who is reading this space to put aside whatever negativity they had, and work towards being a little more positive, or give positivity a second chance if things are not going their way.

I have been spending some time working on myself. I like how I am turning out to be. There were things I have always wanted to do, but I never had the time or the energy to get it done. There was always else that was a higher need that needed my focus and attention. My priorities have always been on track and I cannot compromise that. My ideas and what I always wanted to do, can wait. Now, I am spending a bit more time here because somehow, this space is becoming second nature to me without putting my priorities aside. It does not feel like a chore to write in here. I am beginning to like that feeling. That feeling of being blessed, happiness and positivity.

It is a good feeling I must say. I am beginning to draft out more content which got me ticking. Things that I am passionate about mainly and my future plans on working to be a hopefully, much better me than I am today. What inspired me more recently to move forward and look ahead, were the words these words by Ustaz Mizi Wahid.

I thought it was time I create something in Naimefied. It is also in my Dear 2017 personal project list to create something. I am excited about it and in time to come, I will be share it here. It is amazing how windows of opportunities open themselves up when we least expect it. I am taking it upon myself to make this move to improve myself and my outlook in life. Soon, In shaa Allah. 

My Dear Past... This Is Where I leave You

Many times, I would draft out my posts but change my mind half way through. I would either just leave it on the draft mode or delete it entirely. Tonight however, is an entry I would like to share as this is something dear to me. It is about moving on, for good.

Earlier this week, I received a text from a dear friend about someone from a distant memory. Someone I do not wish to remember at all. We did not part on good terms and I had a hard time dealing with the situation at that point of time. It was not easy and I did not know how to deal with the situation at that point of time.

Looking back, I like to think things are different now from the me back then. I thought of sharing this post to my past in a form of a letter which I hope will benefit some of those out there who are having a hard time convincing yourselves to move on. I know it is hard, I have been there multiple times and it did not get any easier each time. Hence, the letter below are excerpts from the recent talk I attended, Moving On For Good, conducted by Ustaz Mizi from Safinah Institute which I applied back then (and it really did work for me even though I did not know of them back then) mixed with other ways of moving on.  

First and foremost, do note that sharing this letter is probably one of the hardest for me to do. Not as hard as it used to be back then, but hard enough. So here goes...


My Dear Past,

On days after we parted ways, I replayed the episodes over and over again in my mind. I had so many questions. Questions after questions flowed out. It mainly started with why....? Not to mention the swollen eyes thanks to all the tears that refused to stop flowing. Basically, I was an emotional wreck back then. I did not know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I was emotionally weak. 

People say time heal all wounds. In a way, it was true. After dwelling on the pain of the situation for a while, it did get better. The tears no longer flow like a river. I learn to accept the situation. I had to force myself to accept it before eventually accepting it for real. Over time, I rationalised your behaviour. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I even tried to humanise your actions. 

I am sure there was a good reason.

I am sure this is the best decision for us.

I am sure there is hikmah beneath this trial.

There is light at the end of this horrible tunnel I am in now.

There will be something good I will realise when I am back to normal.

This had to happen, it was a matter of time. Better now than later. Some day, I will look back and be glad it happened. 

The list goes on. I tried not to make you look bad. Trust me, when I listed all that in my mind, I had a hard time believing them myself back then. Little did I expect that one day such as tonight, I am actually writing this, as a reminder to how much things have changed and how far different I am now. 

I then got down to compartmentalising myself; my emotions, my actions and work on my road to heal the inner me. The road to healing myself was definitely a challenging one. I knew that in order to try to move on, I had to let go of memories which reminded me of you, my dear past. I blocked you from anything and everything, emails, contacts and social media. When some mutual friends spoke of you, I had my poker face on and did not acknowledge the news about you. Deep inside, I was fuming mad just hearing your name. 

Was it fair for me to go through all that because of you? I do not think so, but I believe that everything happened for a good reason and I accepted that. It is those self-reasoning which got me through, along with so many prolong sujuds, crying my heart out to Him who is ever ready to listen to my sad story. I badly needed to heal. To erase the pain you caused me. 

When I was slightly better, I tried checking out new places which had no memories of you. I invested in some good books and took the time to read those self motivation books at those places. They helped me through for quite a bit. I looked at how I was, how bad things were and how I can be better. By then, I had already forgiven myself and you. I realised I was starting to smile again.

There were days I wondered, why did you hurt me this bad? But what kind of an answer was I expecting? What kind of answer would I get from you?

"I had nothing better to do Naime. I really wanted to hurt you and make you suffer just for fun. There Naime, you happy now?"

Just like that, I snapped out of that moment and got back on track to my healing process. 

Since I had all these free time at hand, I began looking into learning new things, to try out something, to occupy my time with something, instead of hearing sappy love songs which will somehow remind me of you, my dear past. 

My family and my dear friends were an amazing pillars of support. They helped in picking up the broken pieces of me and as tenderly as possible, slowly assisted in pieces me back into shape. I know it was not easy for them to watch me be in that state back then, but they patiently stood by and shielded me from any possible future hurt by you. They reminded me that sometimes, the lesson of life and growing older comes in many unexpected ways. One of it is by getting hurt in order to learn and be better. Some life lessons are painful, some may be expensive, some could really hurt to the very core. It is how one chose to learn from it, is the real answer. 

Did I choose to dwell on the matter forever and be stuck in that zone for good, waiting and hoping for things to go back to how it once used to be? Did I choose to be bitter about it and not leave that zone I was in? Or did I choose to pick myself up and move on? Which choice I wanted to be in, was entirely up to me. I owe these wonderful people a huge thank you for helping me get back up, move on and eventually heal. 

So my dear past, you are known as a past for a really good reason. You were there by your own choice. I never got the chance to thank you for the unfortunate episode. Had you not do what you did, I would not have pushed myself to be a better me. I would not be here typing this out hoping that it will somehow help others out there who are in need to move on. 

As for you, my dear past, you too need to let me go. You too need to move on, without me. I no longer blame you, neither am I bitter anymore. Forgive me if I hurt you or if you are unhappy with me in any way. You had your reasons and I respect that. I hope you are happy with your decision and I sincerely pray for your happiness. There is no use trying to get in touch with me for there is nothing left to be said. You said your pieces back then and I accepted all that.

You, my dear past, need to learn to accept that I am just a mere history in your life once upon a time. One that existed for a short while back then. Embrace that future, that destiny that you have always been dreaming of. The one that you were pretty sure was going to work out great. You are someone with great potential and a bright future, do not let that go to waste. 

So my dear past, this is where I leave you. I have moved on, from you, for good. So should you. 
Goodbye.

Regards,
U've been Naimefied, haha. 


I sincerely hope that by sharing this piece of an experience, it would help some of there out there who is in need to heal and move on. It is definitely not easy, but it will be better, in due time, if you work on it. There will be days you feel like you do not wish to move on, it is too much of hard work, you want things to be the way they used to be. There could even be a day when the one who hurt you comes crawling back, begging for another chance and that is entirely up to you.

Happiness is always a great choice, choose to be happy, even if it means being alone for a while to find yourself and work on yourself. When you are happier being the real you by yourself, many other blessings will keep coming your way, surrounding you. You will be surprised at what achievement you are able to unlock when you embark on that road to heal and move on.

Good luck.