Many times, I would draft out my posts but change my mind half way through. I would either just leave it on the draft mode or delete it entirely. Tonight however, is an entry I would like to share as this is something dear to me. It is about moving on, for good.
Earlier this week, I received a text from a dear friend about someone from a distant memory. Someone I do not wish to remember at all. We did not part on good terms and I had a hard time dealing with the situation at that point of time. It was not easy and I did not know how to deal with the situation at that point of time.
Looking back, I like to think things are different now from the me back then. I thought of sharing this post to my past in a form of a letter which I hope will benefit some of those out there who are having a hard time convincing yourselves to move on. I know it is hard, I have been there multiple times and it did not get any easier each time. Hence, the letter below are excerpts from the recent talk I attended, Moving On For Good, conducted by Ustaz Mizi from Safinah Institute which I applied back then (and it really did work for me even though I did not know of them back then) mixed with other ways of moving on.
First and foremost, do note that sharing this letter is probably one of the hardest for me to do. Not as hard as it used to be back then, but hard enough. So here goes...
My Dear Past,
On days after we parted ways, I replayed the episodes over and over again in my mind. I had so many questions. Questions after questions flowed out. It mainly started with why....? Not to mention the swollen eyes thanks to all the tears that refused to stop flowing. Basically, I was an emotional wreck back then. I did not know how to pick up the pieces and move on. I was emotionally weak.
People say time heal all wounds. In a way, it was true. After dwelling on the pain of the situation for a while, it did get better. The tears no longer flow like a river. I learn to accept the situation. I had to force myself to accept it before eventually accepting it for real. Over time, I rationalised your behaviour. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I even tried to humanise your actions.
I am sure there was a good reason.
I am sure this is the best decision for us.
I am sure there is hikmah beneath this trial.
There is light at the end of this horrible tunnel I am in now.
There will be something good I will realise when I am back to normal.
This had to happen, it was a matter of time. Better now than later. Some day, I will look back and be glad it happened.
The list goes on. I tried not to make you look bad. Trust me, when I listed all that in my mind, I had a hard time believing them myself back then. Little did I expect that one day such as tonight, I am actually writing this, as a reminder to how much things have changed and how far different I am now.
I then got down to compartmentalising myself; my emotions, my actions and work on my road to heal the inner me. The road to healing myself was definitely a challenging one. I knew that in order to try to move on, I had to let go of memories which reminded me of you, my dear past. I blocked you from anything and everything, emails, contacts and social media. When some mutual friends spoke of you, I had my poker face on and did not acknowledge the news about you. Deep inside, I was fuming mad just hearing your name.
Was it fair for me to go through all that because of you? I do not think so, but I believe that everything happened for a good reason and I accepted that. It is those self-reasoning which got me through, along with so many prolong sujuds, crying my heart out to Him who is ever ready to listen to my sad story. I badly needed to heal. To erase the pain you caused me.
When I was slightly better, I tried checking out new places which had no memories of you. I invested in some good books and took the time to read those self motivation books at those places. They helped me through for quite a bit. I looked at how I was, how bad things were and how I can be better. By then, I had already forgiven myself and you. I realised I was starting to smile again.
There were days I wondered, why did you hurt me this bad? But what kind of an answer was I expecting? What kind of answer would I get from you?
"I had nothing better to do Naime. I really wanted to hurt you and make you suffer just for fun. There Naime, you happy now?"
Just like that, I snapped out of that moment and got back on track to my healing process.
Since I had all these free time at hand, I began looking into learning new things, to try out something, to occupy my time with something, instead of hearing sappy love songs which will somehow remind me of you, my dear past.
My family and my dear friends were an amazing pillars of support. They helped in picking up the broken pieces of me and as tenderly as possible, slowly assisted in pieces me back into shape. I know it was not easy for them to watch me be in that state back then, but they patiently stood by and shielded me from any possible future hurt by you. They reminded me that sometimes, the lesson of life and growing older comes in many unexpected ways. One of it is by getting hurt in order to learn and be better. Some life lessons are painful, some may be expensive, some could really hurt to the very core. It is how one chose to learn from it, is the real answer.
Did I choose to dwell on the matter forever and be stuck in that zone for good, waiting and hoping for things to go back to how it once used to be? Did I choose to be bitter about it and not leave that zone I was in? Or did I choose to pick myself up and move on? Which choice I wanted to be in, was entirely up to me. I owe these wonderful people a huge thank you for helping me get back up, move on and eventually heal.
So my dear past, you are known as a past for a really good reason. You were there by your own choice. I never got the chance to thank you for the unfortunate episode. Had you not do what you did, I would not have pushed myself to be a better me. I would not be here typing this out hoping that it will somehow help others out there who are in need to move on.
As for you, my dear past, you too need to let me go. You too need to move on, without me. I no longer blame you, neither am I bitter anymore. Forgive me if I hurt you or if you are unhappy with me in any way. You had your reasons and I respect that. I hope you are happy with your decision and I sincerely pray for your happiness. There is no use trying to get in touch with me for there is nothing left to be said. You said your pieces back then and I accepted all that.
You, my dear past, need to learn to accept that I am just a mere history in your life once upon a time. One that existed for a short while back then. Embrace that future, that destiny that you have always been dreaming of. The one that you were pretty sure was going to work out great. You are someone with great potential and a bright future, do not let that go to waste.
So my dear past, this is where I leave you. I have moved on, from you, for good. So should you.
Goodbye.
Regards,
U've been Naimefied, haha.
I sincerely hope that by sharing this piece of an experience, it would help some of there out there who is in need to heal and move on. It is definitely not easy, but it will be better, in due time, if you work on it. There will be days you feel like you do not wish to move on, it is too much of hard work, you want things to be the way they used to be. There could even be a day when the one who hurt you comes crawling back, begging for another chance and that is entirely up to you.
Happiness is always a great choice, choose to be happy, even if it means being alone for a while to find yourself and work on yourself. When you are happier being the real you by yourself, many other blessings will keep coming your way, surrounding you. You will be surprised at what achievement you are able to unlock when you embark on that road to heal and move on.
Good luck.
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